Recently overheard conversations at Mavs headquarters…
If you’re not an NBA fan or follower of the Dallas Mavericks then you’ve recently missed out on a sports equivalent of Chernobyl as a vacation destination. The start of the NBA free agent signing period began on Monday and Dallas has quickly been informed that unless roofied or held at gun point, big time players don’t actually want to come play here.
After some investigative research and chatting with some people on the inside, I was able to come across the transcripts of some recent phone calls made by Mavs GM, Donnie Nelson, to NBA players about their intentions of signing with the Mavericks.
Feel free to read along with the unedited conversations:
Mavs: Deron? You’re awesome, the best player available, and a Dallas native, interested in playing for the Mavs?
D.Will: Nope /click
Mavs: Dwight, you’re the best big man in the league and you obviously want out of Orlando. We’ll put up with your crazy, get you out of Orlando, pay you Gates-money and let you wear the cape; so, how about it?
Superman: I’ll only sign with the Nets.
Mavs: But Dwight, the Nets have nothing to trade for you, no money to pay you, and your GM says there’s no chance in Hades that he’d take back the trash heap they’re willing to give for you; we’d pay four guys to carry you around on a shoulder drawn chariot everywhere you go and flatten the entire city of Garland if that’s where you decided to put your estate. How about now?
Mavs: I don’t think you understand Dwight, you have no leverage with your GM.
Superman: I’m Superman.
Mavs: Not quite following Dwight…
Mavs: Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Remember six years ago when we let you walk because we were concerned your back wouldn’t hold up for two more seasons? We’d like to offer you a three year deal. Granted, you’re 38, play less defense than a one-legged blind man, and we didn’t really even sniff a championship the first time you were here but we really want you back.
Nash: Just a sec, gotta check the other line… “Kobe? Good to hear from you bro. Really? The Lakers? They’re still in sunny southern California, right? Do I have to play defense? None whatsoever? Deal”… umm, Donnie, you still there? No dice, eh. Good chatting though, let’s roll a joint the next time you’re in LA. /click
Mavs: J.Kidd, love you bro. Thanks for your years of service here in a Mavs uniform. Remember that time we got a ring together? That was awesome. We’d love to re-sign you to make another run at it.
J.Kidd: Didn’t you just court two other point guards to take my place?
Mavs: What? Nah man, that was just the media trying to drudge some stuff up. You were our man all along.
J.Kidd: Ah, got it. You good with me being 39 and wanting a 3 year deal?
J.Kidd: What about the fact that I’m really only good for about half a season?
Mavs: Completely understand
J.Kidd: I’m not going to practice my shooting this summer, is that cool?
Mavs: We’d never ask you to do something like that man…
J.Kidd: All right, I’ll re-sign.
Mavs: Awesome, I’ll swing by with the contract.
J.Kidd: Cool. /click
… 15 minutes later …
J.Kidd: …/ring… Donnie?
J.Kidd: Don’t come over, I’m signing with the Knicks /click
Mavs: Jeremy! Linsanity, yo! How’s China?
Lin: I’m from Silicon Valley…
Mavs: That’s awesome yo, not sure if you know this but we’re huge on having foreign players. Nice over there this time of year?
Lin: It’s in California. I’m an American citizen by birth, you know that right?
Mavs: Oh, yeah, totally.
Mavs: I’ll be honest, I’ve been drinking a bit recently.
Lin: Can I help you?
Mavs: We love your work, all 18 games of it. We think you’re the perfect fit for the Mavs. Dallas is a perfect city for single Harvard grads who like to ball. Plus we could make mega-marketing bucks off you in the Orient.
Lin: This isn’t going well, care to try again?
Mavs: Yeah, sorry. Look, we’re in a bad way, we’re currently in a situation where we don’t have a single player that can dribble a ball other than Dirk. We’re pretty sure other teams will figure that out within the first week of the season; we need your help. Please, out of the goodness of your heart, can you help us out?
Lin: You’ve seen what Houston has offered, right?
Mavs: Just a sec… /typing … … … Jeremy? You still there?
Mavs: Man you should probably take that Houston deal.
You know I love your writing, but more like this, please.